“Real beauty is in the inside.” We have been taught this since kindergarten and many of us would agree that it’s true. We try our best to remember this yet every now and then we just can’t help it: we analyze, we critique, we judge.
For example, I see a woman in shorts and a T-shirt. I make a snap judgement and label her as beautiful/not beautiful or whatever and then move on. If the judgement I made was negative I sometimes feel guilty and then try to chase away those guilty feelings with thoughts like, “Why should I care? She is a stranger after all,” or, “No big deal. It’s not like I said that out loud. All that matters is that I’m nice in real life.” Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. If I still can’t shake the guilt I may go so far as to full-on repent like, “I know that was a mean. I’m sorry. For now on I’m going to stop judging people.”
Stop judging. Right. No matter how determined or sincere I am when I say it, I’m starting to realize that it cannot be done. My theory is that as humans we are constantly analyzing our surroundings as the primitive parts of our brains try to protect us from potential threats. The primitive brain has not gotten the memo that it’s the inside that really counts. It seems to me that the answer is not to deny that we judge each other but rather recognize it and use it as a reminder to come back to ourselves and think deeply.
Again, see the woman in shorts and a T-shirt. Why did that woman choose that outfit? Maybe that woman saw an advertisement for a similar outfit and she wanted to look like the model in the advertisement. Now that thought may lead us to think, “Well, wanting to look like a model is a little arrogant.” Okay, sit with that thought for a moment. Wait for the next thought. Another possibility is that maybe she wanted to look like her friends. That makes our hearts soften a bit and we may think, “I do the same thing.” Then we look over at her friends or imagine what they may look like in our minds. That may cause us to think, “They have expensive stuff. Maybe they’re rich.” This may make our hearts harden again. We may then think, “Maybe they come from a privileged family and never had to work a day in their lives.” If we have negative thoughts that’s okay for now. If those thoughts cascade into negativity and become more and more mean and vicious so be it. It’s okay. You’re okay. Everyone is okay. Just let all those thoughts and feelings wash over. Let them float by without censoring them or criticizing. Sit with them a bit. Think until the thoughts stop coming. Breathe. Feel the feelings. Wait.
I think that in doing this we can give the brain a chance to start putting pieces together. Instead of dismissing emotions when we feel them we can give ourselves the opportunity to actually feel. The brain will start to process.
By feeling and processing we may come to realize something about ourselves. Something like, “The way she looks reminds me of this girl who bullied me at my first job,” or, “I remember struggling when I was in college and not being able to afford a similar colored shirt. I felt really bad.” Our negative thoughts may be tied to something in our past. We all have old wounds that are buried away and our primitive brain makes connections to things we see in the present to try to protect us. Now that we can identify this with our intellectual brain we can heal and better move on. It is healing to have compassion for ourselves and where we have been in our lives. Also, we may recognize, “Hey, this isn’t her crap, it’s my crap.” Which is fine. We all have crap. Gaining such insights help negative thoughts dissipate. The primitive brain can release the notion of thinking that person is a potential threat.
Now let’s look at that woman again. She certainly looks dressed up. That leads us to remember the times that we’ve dressed up. We felt happy and excited. Maybe this woman is dressing up because she wants to feel happy too. We can relate and understand.
When we gain that moment of being able to relate to this other person, then something happens: we can suddenly really see that other person. We are able to realize that that person is not just another body but another human being. And in gaining that moment of understanding we cannot help but to feel caring for that person. Even though that person is a stranger. Because we realize that we all follow similar motivations and patterns and do the same things. In her we see our self.
When our inner mean girl creeps up and whispers something catty in our ears we can presume that she may be just trying to protect us. Let her have her piece and listen with mindful breathing and compassion. She may lead us to heal something in our past and learn something new. Let yourself heal and let go. Be left with peace. Peace inside and out, for yourself and others.