Real Beauty is Modesty: Part 3

Are we morally obligated to other people to dress a certain way? I say no.

In my opinion, as long as someone has their basic hygiene met so that they are not emanating an odor into others’ personal space that’s all other people really owe the world.

What about in church? Aren’t women morally obligated to dress modestly? After all, if a women were to wear reveling clothing to church it could distract men and then they would not be able to concentrate on the service.

Even at church I stand by this statement: we are not morally obligated to other people to look a certain way.

I may wear a knee-length skirt to church with a short-sleeve top. Most people would think that my outfit is fine but others may think it is still too revealing. At that point, after I made a good-faith effort to dress myself based on my definition of an appropriate church outfit, I cannot worry about pleasing other people. If I am a distraction to men, it is not my problem, it’s theirs.

In church, we should look into our own hearts and think about why we are there. We want to listen to the service and learn something. Maybe we want to look nice too. Or maybe we just threw something on because we are stressed out and care more about making it there then dressing up. Our goal probably shouldn’t be to look sexy. However, it is not our job to determine what other people’s intentions are.  From time to time, we may see someone dressed a certain way and our initial reaction is something like, “Hey, that’s distracting. I came to church to hear the sermon and she is not letting me.” Instances like this can act as a reminder for ourselves. Really? Are you sure? How is she stopping you?

It can remind us to come back to ourselves and think, “I treat everyone with respect. I need to focus on myself, God, and the sermon. I need to remember that this other person is not just a female body but another human being.”

The Mindful Mean Girl

“Real beauty is in the inside.” We have been taught this since kindergarten and many of us would agree that it’s true. We try our best to remember this yet every now and then we just can’t help it: we analyze, we critique, we judge.

For example, I see a woman in shorts and a T-shirt. I make a snap judgement and label her as beautiful/not beautiful or whatever and then move on.  If the judgement I made was negative I sometimes feel guilty and then try to chase away those guilty feelings with thoughts like, “Why should I care? She is a stranger after all,” or, “No big deal. It’s not like I said that out loud. All that matters is that I’m nice in real life.” Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. If I still can’t shake the guilt I may go so far as to full-on repent like, “I know that was a mean. I’m sorry. For now on I’m going to stop judging people.”

Stop judging. Right. No matter how determined or sincere I am when I say it, I’m starting to realize that it cannot be done. My theory is that as humans we are constantly analyzing our surroundings as the primitive parts of our brains try to protect us from potential threats. The primitive brain has not gotten the memo that it’s the inside that really counts. It seems to me that the answer is not to deny that we judge each other but rather recognize it and use it as a reminder to come back to ourselves and think deeply.

Again, see the woman in shorts and a T-shirt. Why did that woman choose that outfit? Maybe that woman saw an advertisement for a similar outfit and she wanted to look like the model in the advertisement. Now that thought may lead us to think, “Well, wanting to look like a model is a little arrogant.”  Okay, sit with that thought for a moment. Wait for the next thought. Another possibility is that maybe she wanted to look like her friends. That makes our hearts soften a bit and we may think, “I do the same thing.” Then we look over at her friends or imagine what they may look like in our minds. That may cause us to think, “They have expensive stuff. Maybe they’re rich.” This may make our hearts harden again. We may then think, “Maybe they come from a privileged family and never had to work a day in their lives.” If we have negative thoughts that’s okay for now. If those thoughts cascade into negativity and become more and more mean and vicious so be it. It’s okay. You’re okay. Everyone is okay. Just let all those thoughts and feelings wash over. Let them float by without censoring them or criticizing.  Sit with them a bit. Think until the thoughts stop coming. Breathe. Feel the feelings. Wait.

I think that in doing this we can give the brain a chance to start putting pieces together. Instead of dismissing emotions when we feel them we can give ourselves the opportunity to actually feel. The brain will start to process.

By feeling and processing we may come to realize something about ourselves.  Something like, “The way she looks reminds me of this girl who bullied me at my first job,” or, “I remember struggling when I was in college and not being able to afford a similar colored shirt. I felt really bad.” Our negative thoughts may be tied to something in our past. We all have old wounds that are buried away and our primitive brain makes connections to things we see in the present to try to protect us. Now that we can identify this with our intellectual brain we can heal and better move on. It is healing to have compassion for ourselves and where we have been in our lives. Also, we may recognize, “Hey, this isn’t her crap, it’s my crap.” Which is fine. We all have crap. Gaining such insights help negative thoughts dissipate. The primitive brain can release the notion of thinking that person is a potential threat.

Now let’s look at that woman again. She certainly looks dressed up. That leads us to remember the times that we’ve dressed up. We felt happy and excited. Maybe this woman is dressing up because she wants to feel happy too. We can relate and understand.

When we gain that moment of being able to relate to this other person, then something happens: we can suddenly really see that other person.  We are able to realize that that person is not just another body but another human being. And in gaining that moment of understanding we cannot help but to feel caring for that person. Even though that person is a stranger. Because we realize that we all follow similar motivations and patterns and do the same things. In her we see our self.

When our inner mean girl creeps up and whispers something catty in our ears we can presume that she may be just trying to protect us. Let her have her piece and listen with mindful breathing and compassion. She may lead us to heal something in our past and learn something new. Let yourself heal and let go.  Be left with peace. Peace inside and out, for yourself and others.

Real Beauty is Modesty-Part 2

“For women, real beauty is modesty.” This statement is from a book I’m reading and there is something that bothers me about that statement.

I can imagine the author seeing someone in reveling clothing, like an actress on T.V who is dressed less-than-modestly, and then saying “Remember, real beauty is modesty” as if she has to override her natural tendency to think that that woman is beautiful.

Let’s say I’m walking around with my 3 year daughter and see a woman walking down the street wearing extremely revealing clothing. My daughter says, “She’s pretty,” and I answer, “Remember, Alisa, real beauty is modesty.”   Would that be the correct response? Well, I think I can do better.

Foremost, I would say, “She is pretty!” We should encourage that response in our children and others instead of trying to tear each other down. I wish I could leave it at that.

The reality of the situation is that as a mother I have to teach my daughter that there is a certain way to dress in certain situations. If a women dressed in very reveling clothing and walked down the street men would likely catcall or honk their car horns or even approach her and say disrespectful things. This is not a safe or pleasant situation to be in. Although I would like my daughter to dress and express herself how she wants I have a duty to tell her, “If you dress in this way this is likely to happen to you.” You will be judged and harassed. The issue in this situation is not, “real beauty is modesty.” The issue is not about beauty at all. Who is ugly in this situation is not the woman for wearing revealing clothing but how some men treat women who wear revealing clothing.

Real Beauty is Modesty: Part 1

“For women, real beauty is modesty.” This statement is from a book I’m reading.

Hmm. Let’s think about this statement literally.

I think of people I’ve seen who are covered up.  In some Christian denominations, women wear long skirts.  Nuns wear habits, Amish people wear Amish clothing, and Muslim women wear long skirts, sleeves and headscarves.  Modern American women sometimes dress modestly too like wearing a sweater over jeans.

Women who are dressed modestly can certainly still look pretty. Jeans and sweaters can look nice. Some long skirts are colorful and gorgeous. There are ways to intricately tie a hair scarf so it looks just striking as the fanciest hairstyle. Nuns, Amish people, and others who are dressed plainly can still look beautiful since simple dress can really makes a naturally beautiful face stand out.

Now what about people who wear revealing clothing?

I see people walking around in dresses and skirts in various lengths.  I see women at the gym wearing shorts, t shirts and tank tops. Women wear bikinis at the beach. I think many of them look beautiful too.

Do I see people who are not beautiful? Sure.

Reveling does not always equal attractive. Some who are dressed in revealing clothes don’t look so great. Sometimes the style is not the most flattering to that person.  Sometimes I see a woman constantly pulling down their skirt or pulling up their shirt to cover her cleavage and she just looks very uncomfortable rather than attractive. Sometimes it’s freezing out and girls are shivering in short skirts.

And modestly dressed people have the same issues. Sometimes the style not so flattering. A woman may look uncomfortable, stressed out, sick or tired. Having negative feelings will register on our faces and then we do not look as beautiful.

Sometimes we can cover up skin issues or dark circles with makeup, try to dress a certain way, do our hair and force a smile on our faces so we can still try to look nice even when we are not feeling well on the inside. If one does not believe in wearing makeup or showing her hair she would not have the hair/makeup options. However, that type of person also saves on time and the stress of going through these cover-ups and can save her energy to work on whatever her real issues are at that time.

Neither modesty nor showing some skin can guarantee beauty. It seems to me that real beauty depends on being happy, healthy, confident, and at peace on the inside.

Should I Throw Away All My Makeup?

“I’m going to throw my makeup away.” This is me calling my best friend, Ly, on the phone.

“What do you mean?”

“I am literally going to throw every piece of makeup into the trash. Why do we feel the need to wear makeup anyway? It’s anti-feminist.”

“What! What about your Urban Decay Pallets?”

“Yes.  Even the Urban Decay Pallets. Especially the Urban Decay Pallets.” My voice is curiously even and calm. I am a cold-blooded, determined super-woman.

“What about the Mac?  The Mac! Allison! Are you there?” Ly’s voice is getting more and more panic-stricken. I start to feel my resolve waver.

“Oh right. The Mac.” I pause and look down at the rainbow of Mac eyeshadows in their individual disks spread out like little candies. “I’ll call you back.”

“Don’t hang up! Why are you doing this?”

“I danno…I’m trying to clean. I read this book…”

“Oh, you and your books again. Promise me you won’t throw anything away until you call me back. At least save the Mac….. and the Urban Decay.”

“Fine, fine. Ok bye.”  Ly lets me hang up the phone.  Gone is my super-woman resolve. It’s as if she just talked me down from jumping off a cliff.

In front of me is my entire makeup collection.  Every last lipstick and lonely single-serving sample has been fished out of drawers, purses, medicine cabinets, coat pockets, and glove compartments. It’s all here.

How did I get here? I read Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It’s a housecleaning book about getting rid of massive amounts of stuff.  Kondo says that after doing the method herself her house is spotless all the time and she lives like a true minimalist. To decide if you should keep an object, hold it in your hands. If you feel a spark of joy, keep it, if not, discard it.  Kondo has minimalized to the point that she does not even own pants.

I was cleaning my bedroom and had gotten to dealing with my makeup.

First the easy stuff: I threw out some free samples of nearly-empty lip-glosses. I trashed some cheap eyeshadows that were not any good anyway. I chucked some brownish lipsticks that were majorly unflattering. All cuticle pushers, the toe separators, the lash brush and some brushes that are missing most of the bristle also go into the trash. Easy. Now I’m left with just the good stuff. I’m about to start organizing the rest when suddenly this overwhelming feeling takes over my body. My inner voice screams, “I don’t want any of this!”

What? How can I be thinking this?  I holding a purple Mac eyeshadow in my hands.  This is my favorite eyeshadow called “lilac ice.” I’ve worn it so many times this is my third time repurchasing this exact shade.  I try to read what I am feeling. What do I feel? Anxiety.

I think, “I should wear eyeshadow more. I should look up YouTube makeup tutorials and get good at it. I should wake up earlier in the morning to put makeup on before work on a daily basis.” So much to do! So much anxiety! How do I get rid of this anxiety? Should I throw Lilac Ice into the trash? But it’s my favorite!

How did I get here?

In junior high and high school, I looked at the other girls with envy. They got to wear glitter eyeshadow, black lipstick or paint their nails blue while my parents wouldn’t let me get away with anything more than cherry ChapsStick. It seemed that everyone got to wear makeup except me. Other than a 99-cent Wet and Wild brown lipstick that Ly and I shared in 6th grade, I wore zero makeup in junior high and high school.

I started wearing makeup at the riper age of 19. I went out of state to college got a job at Hooters. At Hooters, makeup is a requirement. The male manager explained how he wanted us to look: “Light blush, rosy, sun-kissed cheeks.”  The Hooters girl is the All-American, girl-next door. I immediately went to Victoria’s secret to get a makeup lesson.

The clerk explained, “This is how you shade. You don’t want to look like you got punched in the eye!” The lady was so nice and fun. I felt like I was going through a womanly rite-of-passage.

At first, putting on my Hooters Girl face took me 30 minutes. One slip of the fingers and I would accidentally smear something.  I had not yet mastered the subtle art of dabbing away mistakes with an oil-soaked make-up remover pad and Q-tips. More often than not, I would have to scrub everything off and reapply from scratch.

Day after day, swipe after swipe and muscle memory built up. After a month or so, I got to the point where I could apply in foundation, blush, concealer, several shades of eyeshadow and mascara in about 5 minutes flat. I could probably do it in the dark if need be. Muscle memory gave my hand a mind of its own.

With makeup I could make my eyes look huge and my skin flawless. My face became a piece of art.  Some people may think that Hooters Girls are hired for their appearance and not for their brains.  But creating that appearance takes a lot of brain power! At the time I liked to think of myself as an artist with my body being a walking and talking piece of art.

Eventually I left Hooters and became a nurse. My nurse face had to be kicked down a couple notches from my Hooter Girl face.  I would wake up 10 minutes earlier to apply powder, liquid concealer under the eyes, blush, and lipstick. Somedays days I would add eyeshadow and eyeliner. I had to cut out using mascara because it made my eyes bloodshot by the end of a 12 hour shift. Some days it was so bad that I have to use a syringe full of saline as an eyedropper to rinse my eyes.

We often hear the advice, “Just be yourself!” This is easier said than done. What if we don’t know who we are? What if we don’t know how to be? Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn phrases this “Just be yourself” advice in a more helpful way. In his book, Zen Keys, he states that the goal of spiritual practice is to “see into one’s true nature.” So to determine if one should do a certain action, like wear makeup, consider if that action allows you to better see your true nature.

Does putting on makeup allow me to better see my own nature or does it do the opposite? Looking at my face with makeup, I know that it is not my true face.  Instead, it’s an image of what I have seen on T.V, magazines, movies, and the internet of what beauty should be.  So, what is beauty? Is it colored eyelids, rosy cheeks and big eyes?  With that look I am trying to say to the world that I am young, fresh, and beautiful. I am trying to be those things on the inside so isn’t it okay to say that on the outside with makeup?

Let’s take a deeper look. What are the real elements of that look? I know that sometimes makeup means red eyes and saline syringes after a 12 hour shift. Makeup is money and time spent shopping. It is loss of sleep waking up early to apply makeup. It’s skin issues such as acne and blackheads from wearing makeup for hours on an everyday basis.  It’s having to buy facials, masks, pores strips, washes and creams to remedy those skin issues and the time and money for those things. It is makeup stinging the eyes when you sweat and not wanting to touch your own eyes and face. Is pushing your husband away with irritation when he wants to kiss you and mess up your lipstick. It is sometimes feeling insecure and ugly without makeup. It’s the sense that when I’m wearing makeup and someone looks at me they are not really seeing me. Maybe sometimes I want to hide behind a makeup mask.  Maybe sometimes I want to be the prettiest girl in the room. Maybe sometimes I want people to feel jealous.  Facing the truth can be ugly sometimes.

Facing the truth about makeup-the ugliness, the sadness, the grease, the grit- I put Lilac Ice and my remaining makeup in a shoebox. I consider throwing everything away but something is still holding me back. I put the shoebox on a high shelf in my closet and try not to think about it for now.

Weeks pass. I let my makeup-less face show to the world. Slowly the sense of guilt, obligation, and apology fades away. Someday I feel like my natural freshness and beauty are shining through. Other days I feel tired and older. I think about the shoe box. Maybe if I throw it away it will make me feel better about myself. Maybe I will feel free.

One day I take the box down and hold the makeup in my hands to see if they will spark joy or anxiety.  Thoughts come into my mind.

Makeup is also that kind lady who helped me at Victoria’s Secret.  It’s Ly and I trying on brown wet-and wild lipstick in 6th grade, giggling and thinking we were so cool. It’s putting makeup on for my wedding day.

Attachment to the body and thinking it is our true self is one of the errors of being human and one of the goals of spiritual practice. In any case, the physical body-with or without makeup- is not really our true self.

Fast forward to now. I put makeup on maybe once a month when I want to dress up and go out with friends or my husband for a fancy meal.

If you put makeup on with joy and love- love for yourself, love for others, love for the world- and you do it with mindfulness and kindness to your physical body and emotions then, in that case, you are also putting makeup on your soul. So I kept my makeup.  For my soul.